Entry Two - Fighting Burnout (and losing)
I would start this off by making some quippy joke about my absence, but I think that’s just offensive to the both of us more than anything. I will though, explain the demons I’ve been fighting these past few months and hopefully shed some light on how not to end up like me.
My course load this semester has turned out to be much more work than I intended it to be. I knew that my research seminar was going to consume most of my time so I tried to plan my classes in order to have enough time to work on that as well as all my other courses AS WELL AS the blog. What I’ve learned over the past two months is that it’s literally not possible. Writing a research paper is a monster on its own, but accompanied by another honors class and a literature class, the reading load alone is enough to make a grown man cry.
But of course, that didn’t stop me from trying to do it all, I’ve been waking up early every morning (which is a feat for me in and of itself) to get a head start on work, and staying up way past my bedtime to meet deadlines. All while attending org meetings and rehearsals, spending time with friends, and getting a new job. For a while, this worked exceptionally well. All my work was in early if not on time, I was reading books for classes months in advance, and the work I was doing was top tier. In the first month of the semester, I was so proud of myself for maintaining my lifestyle, I felt on top of the world like I cracked the code. I was the poster child for successful college students. If I can do it, so can you! Just get up and work yourself tirelessly!
And then (unsurprisingly) I crashed. I don’t know why I just assumed I was immune to burnout. It had happened to me plenty of times in high school and I knew it was bound to happen again. But I thought I had unlocked some key to success, if you get ahead and stay ahead you’ll never get the chance to be behind. That is until your mind and body give out from underneath you and you have no choice but to stop. Once I reached this point, any attempts to pick myself up prematurely resulted in my falling father than I did the last time. As much as I tried to push past it, it would just pull me back down. I needed rest.
Now, this is the part where I’m supposed to say that I stopped everything in my life and took this very seriously. That I took a few days off of class to rest, went and did yoga, meditated in the park, and really took stock of my life and the things that mattered to me. But the truth is that I didn’t. Mostly because I don’t have the time or the money to do any of those things, but also because I couldn’t be bothered. Instead, I gave myself one day to fuck around and do nothing. I went as saw a movie in the morning, then I went to the bookstore in the evening, and then I saw another movie at night. That was about it.
Self-care is something that is still a work in progress for me, it’s hard to fully realize when I need to stop and put myself first. But I know if I continue to push myself, it won’t end well (to say the least) So instead of waiting for a breakdown to finally let myself rest, I’m going to start making time for myself to be calm at least one day during the week. Maybe that means going on an aimless walk, or just simply not checking my email for the whole day. Whatever it is, I’m going to do it and do it well. No more half-ass self-care.
Unfortunately in my whirlpool of stress and burnout, the blog fell by the wayside. My apologies. Hopefully, as I make more time for self-care, I’ll also make more time to write and do work that isn’t for my classes, which will allow me to spend more time on the blog. In the meantime, as a welcome-back treat, I present you a new short story (that I wrote in the middle of my burnout mess period) and some of my favorite media I engaged in the past three months. Enjoy :)
80 For Brady (2023)
Four on-screen legends having the most unserious fun at the Super Bowl. What more could you ask for honestly? This is what Hollywood has been missing. Recession comedy, movies exist simply for a good laugh. No more thought in the media we consume. I’m just here for a good time.
On the left, you’ll see my custom 80 For Brady pin, made by yours truly to show my support for the film’s 2024 Oscar campaign.
Weyes Blood “In Holy Flux” Tour
From the moment I heard “Movies” for the first time, I knew I had to see Weyes Blood in concert at least once in my life. Her stage presence is ethereal, yet so down to earth. The relationship she creates with her audience is like that of an imaginary friend, she understands you on a personal level yet she seems like nothing more than a figment of your mind. The use of her white dress and cape as a projector for different colored lights and images throughout the show only added to her otherworldly nature. She sounded amazing, her voice was delicate yet purposeful and each song sounded like came straight from the heart (cheesy I know). She performed a good amount of "Titanic Rising” alongside “And In The Darkness Hearts Aglow”, and both albums meshed together beautifully. Weyes Blood is an artist whose voice you have to experience live at least once in your life, and she didn’t disappoint.
The Crying of Lot 49, Thomas Pynchon
I read this novel for my honors class, and I ended up enjoying it much more than I expected. What struck me as most interesting about this book is the way Pynchon creates the landscape of suburban California. A landscape of big tech and business conglomerates filled in the middle with wastelands of suburban life. It’s deeply bleak yet hilariously colorful. His ability to capture the essence of the American in-betweens was astonishing to me. in conjunction with arguably the most delusional protagonist of all time and a conspiracy that would change the lives of very few, Pynchon's world absorbs you quickly and keeps you hooked to find out the truth about Odeipa’s world.
